The HATE Continuum

Guest spot by MC HOOTIE G

What do you say to somebody you hate?-- Eminem, from Forgot About Dre

I say nothing. Antagonizing Hate is, at best, a death-wish.

The word "hate" is rooted in German, and before that, Greek. But "hate" existed long before dudes in togas were playing ass-stab. In fact, a NASA scientist recently discovered that, shortly before the big bang, hydrogen molecules were so spiteful towards neon that a massive brawl erupted and the league office banished hydrogen to a black hole for the rest of the season. Thankfully, an appeal by hydrogen's agent resulted in the overturning of the decision by a Supreme Court, allowing the universe to form without a hitch.

Hate is no less a disease than genital herpes or low self-esteem; it passes through its beholders like second-hand smoke. I once visited my doctor with a bad case of Hate; the result was a prescription of therapy and a recommendation to start going to church. Fuck that. I hate church.

I could make a list of things that I hate, but the list would be long and confusing. I hate confusion.

I could chart my top 10 greatest hits from that list, but I hate Billboard magazine. I could write a guest entry on someone's blog about it....err, wait.

I hate Choose Your Own Adventure books, but someday I'd like to write one.

If you could buy Hate at your local grocer, how would they package it? In a bottle? Wrapped in plastic? What are the nutritional contents? In an ideal world, I'd like to think Hate would be sold like a calling card. You'd never HAVE to go back to the store to refill your Hate, you could just dial a toll free number (like 1-800-MORE-HATE) and do an add-on with your American Express (which I hate).
I'm hungover as shit today, but oddly, I don't hate the hangover. If hangovers were fun, everyone would get wasted. And I hate everyone.

Now all I get is hate mail all day sayin, "Dre fell off"

Sometimes it is stupid to hate. No one should hate on Dr Dre, even if you dislike his music. Because that man has a lot of guns. And he has a lot of friends to shoot those guns for him. I definitely do not hate guns. I do hate mail, though, and I especially hate hate mail.

My Haiku about Hate
by MC HOOTIE G

"All you need is Hate,"
as a famous Brit once said.
Hate is all you need.



If you could scramble the letters in the word "hate", and if you had an extra N in your Scrabble tray, you could spell Ethan. I'll leave that one for butthead, though. However, I really hate Scrabble, even more than Candyland (and, straight from the mouth of the hypocrite, I eat candy, even though I hate it).

I hate excercise, so I don't do it. But I hate laziness, too. Such a conundrum. Hate makes my life miserable, much more so than normal causes of stress, such as high blood pressure or having to deal with my family. I don't hate my family, I just hate dealing with them.


Fuck you too, bitch, call the cops. I'ma kill you and those loud-ass motherfucking barking dogs.

Bitches. Hating them is never something that you WANT to do. But then again, they're bitches. They deserve a certain amount of malevolence. They also deserve an ass-stabbing. I love ass-stabbing, but I would absolutely hate it if someone put their tool in my butt. I guess that's the one-way street of hate, at least for hetero dudes.


The thing I hate most is people who profess that they have no Hate. I fucking HATE that.

"Hey, Sally, let's do something nice for a random stranger today!!!"

"Sounds like a great plan! Praise the Lord!"

puke.

Time to go. I'll be back in the lab with a pen and a pad sometime soon.

Happy hating.