Friday, April 29, 2005

Hate from a Cutt Off Jelly Roll

When shithead initially asked me to spread the hate, I thought “ I’m JellyRoll, I don’t hate.” Then I read Jimmiez column and … FUCK YOU, JIMMIEZ! I love my lawn and my dog, and I love when my dog shits in my yard, and I love it even more when my dog shits in my neighbor’s yard. My neighbor is a fucking bitch anyway. She rings my goddamn doorbell every time a fucking dog shits in her yard. I live in the fucking hood. Do you realize how many stray dogs roam my neighborhood? All pit bulls too. What is it with hood rats and pit bulls? People with I.Q.s lower than 90 should not be able to adopt pets or reproduce. Do you realize that there is a strong correlation between education and the number of offspring that you will produce? I would assume that its because the more time you spend in school, the les s time you have to fuck… but Jimmiez has completely blown that theory out the door.

OK, that stupid fucking neighbor of mine had the nerve to stand on my front porch and threaten to “have the animal removed”. Guess what, bitch? I’ll have your house removed then I’ll shit in your yard myself. She hasn’t realized it yet, but she has solved my whole dog-shitt i ng problem anyway. I didn’t know that any of the property on the north side of my garage is mine until my stupid fucking neighbor started mowing her lawn and stopped about a foot and a half from my garage. Not only am I never going to cut that spot, but I’m going to pile all dog shit there from now on.

32oz cans of Miller HighLife iced up next to the cash register at every gas station in the hood. WTF? If you’re sitting on the stoop drinking all day, where the fuck did you get the money to buy that beer? They should start putting some kind of contraceptive in that shit.

CBC jerseys. As if a sausage casing lycra skinsuit is not ugly enough, let’s pick the ugliest fucking color known to man. Even CBC people know how ugly it is. They’ve tried to jazz it up over the years with checkers and other bullshit but they’ve stuck with tradition for the sake of tradition. It got to Jujunga so bad that he moved out of town and changed teams. They chose that color so redneck kids like 16-year-old Butthead in redneck cars don’t run over fag cyclists on the way to work at McDonalds-McStop. If I was a 16 year old redneck in a GTO, I would run over spandex wearing fags for fun. They should be wearing camouflage so nobody sees them.

That’s all for now.


Thursday, April 28, 2005

More Hate

by Jimmiez

My little buddy Butthead asked me to write a guest column for his hate blog. I hate this shit. Why don’t I just wash his fucking soccer mom-mobile for him or cut his Goddamn grass—and both of those are jobs I really fucking hate. My girlfriend loves to mow lawns or I wouldn’t even have a fucking lawn. Fuck lawns. What the fuck are lawns good for? For your neighbor’s fucking dog to take a shit on is about all. These assholes who love lawns, have you ever seen them doing anything with them other than watering them and mowing them? How fucking stupid is that shit?

And what’s up with that Goddamn soccer-mom vehicle of Butthead’s anyway? This is a kid who once owned a GTO muscle car for Chrissakes. A car you could lay rubber with in all four gears. A car that would make a redneck chick wet her cutoffs. How can he stand to drive a vehicle that once he gets into it, you can’t tell him apart from about a million other geeky assholes who are driving kids around and are totally shut off from the neck up cause they fucking hate their lame-ass existence where they have to kiss ass all day long cause they got so fucking many bills to pay that if they thought about it they’d have to stick a shotgun in their mouth and take the big exit.

Man, that’s some hate. I’m thinking that’s why Butthead drives that mom-mobile. Cause he hates it. And that’s what I like about the boy. He knows how to hate. He hates long and he hates hard. Don’t get me wrong; the boy knows how to turn off the hate—like when it’s gonna get his ass fired, maybe, or kicked, usually. I’m guessing he also can rein it in when his wife has had enough of his hatin’ and she might hand him the big D, or at the very least bitch slap him senseless.

He tells me his dog helps him cope with life when his hate has become too much for even him to deal with. And I fucking hate that shit the most. He’s a Goddamn bike racer for fuck’s sake. Will someone please explain to me how a Goddamn bike racer can not hate dogs? In this Goddamned tree-lined, yard-growing, shithole of a town we live in, you can not ride a bike far enough to puke without getting fanged by some yelping, yard-shitting piece of shit K-9 on a regular basis. No one who has ever thrown a leg over a bike hasn’t at one time or another wanted to totally empty a revolver into some dog’s head until they were just clicking empty chambers and then throw the gun at the lifeless piece-of-shit carcass. But the thing that pisses me off the most about Butthead’s dog, Bubba, is that the little fucker will come over and lay down next to your leg when it knows Goddamn good and well that you feel that way. I hate that.

So here’s my “guest” column, Butthead. Now go fuck yourself.

The HATE Continuum

Guest spot by MC HOOTIE G

What do you say to somebody you hate?-- Eminem, from Forgot About Dre

I say nothing. Antagonizing Hate is, at best, a death-wish.

The word "hate" is rooted in German, and before that, Greek. But "hate" existed long before dudes in togas were playing ass-stab. In fact, a NASA scientist recently discovered that, shortly before the big bang, hydrogen molecules were so spiteful towards neon that a massive brawl erupted and the league office banished hydrogen to a black hole for the rest of the season. Thankfully, an appeal by hydrogen's agent resulted in the overturning of the decision by a Supreme Court, allowing the universe to form without a hitch.

Hate is no less a disease than genital herpes or low self-esteem; it passes through its beholders like second-hand smoke. I once visited my doctor with a bad case of Hate; the result was a prescription of therapy and a recommendation to start going to church. Fuck that. I hate church.

I could make a list of things that I hate, but the list would be long and confusing. I hate confusion.

I could chart my top 10 greatest hits from that list, but I hate Billboard magazine. I could write a guest entry on someone's blog about it....err, wait.

I hate Choose Your Own Adventure books, but someday I'd like to write one.

If you could buy Hate at your local grocer, how would they package it? In a bottle? Wrapped in plastic? What are the nutritional contents? In an ideal world, I'd like to think Hate would be sold like a calling card. You'd never HAVE to go back to the store to refill your Hate, you could just dial a toll free number (like 1-800-MORE-HATE) and do an add-on with your American Express (which I hate).
I'm hungover as shit today, but oddly, I don't hate the hangover. If hangovers were fun, everyone would get wasted. And I hate everyone.

Now all I get is hate mail all day sayin, "Dre fell off"

Sometimes it is stupid to hate. No one should hate on Dr Dre, even if you dislike his music. Because that man has a lot of guns. And he has a lot of friends to shoot those guns for him. I definitely do not hate guns. I do hate mail, though, and I especially hate hate mail.

My Haiku about Hate

"All you need is Hate,"
as a famous Brit once said.
Hate is all you need.

If you could scramble the letters in the word "hate", and if you had an extra N in your Scrabble tray, you could spell Ethan. I'll leave that one for butthead, though. However, I really hate Scrabble, even more than Candyland (and, straight from the mouth of the hypocrite, I eat candy, even though I hate it).

I hate excercise, so I don't do it. But I hate laziness, too. Such a conundrum. Hate makes my life miserable, much more so than normal causes of stress, such as high blood pressure or having to deal with my family. I don't hate my family, I just hate dealing with them.

Fuck you too, bitch, call the cops. I'ma kill you and those loud-ass motherfucking barking dogs.

Bitches. Hating them is never something that you WANT to do. But then again, they're bitches. They deserve a certain amount of malevolence. They also deserve an ass-stabbing. I love ass-stabbing, but I would absolutely hate it if someone put their tool in my butt. I guess that's the one-way street of hate, at least for hetero dudes.

The thing I hate most is people who profess that they have no Hate. I fucking HATE that.

"Hey, Sally, let's do something nice for a random stranger today!!!"

"Sounds like a great plan! Praise the Lord!"


Time to go. I'll be back in the lab with a pen and a pad sometime soon.

Happy hating.

More things I hate

1) Internet Message Boards.
Granted I helped establish my name of butthead by those stupid boards but fuck people are harsh on them sometimes. Makes you wonder at times wtf some of those guys are thinking

2) Fat People Named Fish

3) The fact I never get to eat Mexican. In college I had mexican every night. Now that I am old and married I never eat mexican.

4) Mizzou Basketball. I have been a fan since I was born but now I fucking hate them. As alumni of the great University there is not a day that goes by where I don't think to myself........if we are going to cheat why can't we at least win.

For the record Linas Kleiza is rolling around in a brand new Dodge Durango. Must suck to be a broke college kid.

And Fuck Quinn.

5) Mizzou Football. I hate them more than basketball. You ask why? Because everytime we have a home game the entire town get trashed by drunk angry alumni who just watched us lose again to a D2 school

and Fuck Pinkle.........."I am old school" more like " I will demand that everyone shut up and learn to lose like a champion"........recruits line up!

Where is the Major of Columbia, Corbey Jones when we needed him?

6) And finally something I don't hate...........

Damien Nash........former Missouri Tailback. He is getting his chance in the NFL. Everyone who is a tiger fan knows this guy got fucked. From poor play calling to out right "go fuck yourself" from Pinkle.

I hope Nash gets a spot.

Friday, April 22, 2005

I hate

1)flat tires.
Can someone out there make a tire that lets me ride in glass all day without going flat.
2)the rain shower that hit right as I leave work. Bullshit! It is sunny all day and all of a sudden rain rain rain rain. I am at work and it is sunny. Wonder what is next.

3)bike crashes.

4)bike racers.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

I hate bike racers

You know what is great about bike racing?

Answer: It only happens on the weekends. You have the 5 other days of the week that you don't have to deal with bike racing.